Living vicariously through myself

I got to thinking this evening about what people mean to those around them, and (more succinctly) what I mean to other people. I hope the following are things I mean to people, and things I give them if I do not give them any other present this holiday season:

To some, I feel like I'm the big brother they never had. I hope she doesn't mind my saying so, but I get a great feeling out of helping Olivia, and I think I know why. Olivia needs someone who's like a big brother and can point her in the right direction from time to time. In a lot of regards, I feel like more of a big brother to her than I do to Erin. Olivia tries as hard as anyone I know and genuinely cares about the people around her. I feel I owe it to her to help if ever I can. I've felt like this with Sarah and Amanda at times, as well. I don't mean to presume I always know the right way to do things, but they've asked me to help each of them focus themselves (and make drastic changes in some cases), and I've wanted to help them both. I hope I've helped all three.

To others, I feel I serve as a good enemy -- I'm someone it's ok to hate, and someone that people have rallied together against. In a way, the hatred some people have of me because of what I've said, done or written binds these people together. If these people find others like them because they don't like me, then so be it. At least they've found people they agree with.

It's hard for me to believe I serve as an inspiration to people. The above might inspire people to write a letter to the editor, but true inspiration toward a worthy cause is not something I've achieved yet. Hopefully DUCKS will rise to that at some point 20 years down the road, but inspiration is something that I do not get the feeling I've done yet, and that's a shortcoming as I end the year. I know that people constantly want to beat me at things, but seldom does it make them get better so they can. I'm lucky to be good at a lot of things, and I'm very competitive, so I've developed an attitude where I try to have fun getting better at things. However, in the end, people around me lose a lot more, I'm afraid. When Frank finally beat me at tennis while I was at DePauw, you could tell the sense of accomplishment he felt. All the same, when I beat him later in the week, you could tell he felt dejected, as though his success was fleeting. It's a hard balance.

So I've tried to be a model lately of how to be competitive and to be a good loser, if I must lose. Likewise, if someone does something well, whether I'm on their team or against them, I try to tell them so or clap that much louder. When I finished behind Colby in scoring at DUNCE, I think I felt better than I would have had I beaten him. He was all about being first in scoring and less about winning or having fun. I smiled, clapped and didn't make much noise. He was boistrous and wanted to get any advantage he could to beat me to the title. If it makes him happy, let him have it. There will be other days, and other goals. I'll take being a better person and a fairer competitor over winning at quiz bowl.

I hope that other people (even if they don't really like me or we barely speak) get something from knowing me.

Back in Elgin after a week in Greencastle, which was a lot of fun. Many a night was spent awake until ungodly hours playing games. A good time was had by all. I spent considerably more money than I really wanted to, due in part to a couple trips to Steak and Shake and spending $8.50 to waste 3 hours of my life on the latest Lord of the Rings movie. Seeing it confirmed that I was right not to see the first two.

There was a big fiasco with my computer not wanting to re-format itself (it's about as stubborn as HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey), but in the end the problem of windows de-selecting themselves spontaneously seems to have been corrected (for the moment, anyway).

Christmas stands to be another awkward holiday. My mother has been out of work for basically two months and is well behind monetarily with Jim. Thus, she's got basically no money for X-Mas. It's impossible to buy presents for Jim, because he's so picky. Yet, just getting a giftcard so he could get what he wants comes off as not thoughtful or some other quantity I don't want to embody. So this leads to the fact Christmas could be a barren affair this year. I doubt I'll go see my father on Christmas Eve day, but I'm thinking it would be a good idea to go to my grandparents' house on Christmas day. There will be more food and more people.

-- My Mother has a temp job starting Monday.

-- Sign at the Auto Zone store on Summit Street in Elgin recently had the first three letters burned out when the sign was on at night. I laughed at the new name of the store.

-- I'm tired of dumb car names. I was driving today behind a car called the "Esteem", which some Asian auto maker produces. Just what I need -- I should go to a dealer and say "I'm looking for the Mitsubishi Self-Confidence"....

One of the most infuriating things I've ever had to endure is apologizing to my family about being more successful than my sister. I'm supposed to accept greater expectations of me than of Erin when parents and grandparents keep telling me she's "just as smart as you are". I'm supposed to believe it's the status quo when Erin is rewarded for mediocre performance in anything. I was pushed pretty hard by my mother and Jim growing up. I responded. Erin was pushed less hard and still couldn't measure up. I came home my junior year -- turned down a job at ESPN in Connecticut -- in part to help Erin. What did I get in return? Admonitions from my sister that "You had everything handed to you on a silver platter."

And to whomever made the anonymous post, it's like this: Sometimes you have to know when to cut your losses. It's a lesson I take to heart all the time and one Erin has yet to learn. If Erin does come crawling back to me at some point in the future with her tail between her legs, she better have her head screwed on straight. I'm not heartless, but I don't have time for people who are a drain on the people around them. Erin is like my father, and has learned all of his habits. She leeches off of people, does not know how to be thankful, has no work ethic and is so prideful that she doesn't realize every fight she gets into she's lost from the start. I have never once said to her "You know what, you just never measured up. Come back when you do." I've wanted to more times than I can mention.

I finally figured out why my mother and my grandmother will not allow my sister to just be let go. It's so simple, I have no idea why I missed it before.

The short answer is this: If my sister is disavowed, they failed. My mother is not willing to admit she has a failure for a child. She's overweight, living with a former instructor and might flunk out of her second university in two years. My grandmother was ashamed of my mother because she was overweight as child. Seems that's the least of my mother's worries. And throughout, here I am -- I'm supposed to be the last link to Erin because, as my mother is SO fond of saying, "We're all each other has". News flash: Erin lost me long ago. And if people are smart, they'll all lose her, too. Erin failed, not the people around her.

As I left my car this morning at the train station, I heard "Bad Moon Rising" by Credence Clearwater Revival. I was excited, because good music to sing along with is rare on my short morning drives where I need something to get me going. Little did I know just how telling some of the lyrics I gleefully belted out at the top of my lungs would be in the next 3 hours.

"I see trouble on the way..."

As we pulled out of National Street, the train moved abnormally slowly. "That doesn't normally happen," I said to myself.

"I see bad times today..."

Shortly thereafter, a conductor walks by me without checking my ticket, and then his voice comes over the intercom. He explains the train will be delayed because there's been an incident with a previous train near Bensenville. They're just beginning to get information on it, he says.

"Hope you got your things together..."

I knew I had some extra time to wait. We sat in Schaumburg for 50-55 minutes, with the doors open and the train filling beyond capacity. By the time we got moving, I had read most of the paper and done the crossword puzzle normally reserved for my El ride each morning.

"Hope you are quite prepared to die..."

As we rode slowly by Fenton High School in Bensenville, there were police officers by the other track outside my window. And there were cars on the school's grass and orange cones along the opposite side of the track. And as the train moved slowly on, there came into view a white sheet. As we passed, it became clear the bloodied person underneath did not survive their encounter with the train. The whole side of the train I was sitting on arose in a momentary series of gasps and exclamations. "Jesus," I said. The man across from me could only say "Oh, shit..."

"Looks like we're in for nasty weather..."

All this and it looks like we're going to start getting snow by the end of the week.

"One eye is taken for an eye..."

Then, after I get to the Quincy El stop, I see a tall, middle-aged man I always ride the train with every morning, but to whom I've never spoken. Most people on the train are very quiet in the morning, and he and I usually both fall into that category. He's facing the door out to the platform and I say "Some days it doesn't pay to take the train." He turns to me, looks a little surprised and in a voice that seemed a little high for someone who's a little physically imposing, he points to his ear and says "I'm deaf." I never would have known.

It occurred to me as I was at Blockbuster tonight that, for all intents and purposes, I'm academically homefree until about January 6. So I rented GTA: Vice City and will play to my heart's content!

Songs stuck in Stan's head over the past 3-4 days:
1. That stupid "I'm gonna mail myself to you" jingle from USPS TV ads
2. The chorus to Maxwell's Silver Hammer, by the Beatles
3. Amsterdam, by Guster
4. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, by Jim Croce