Living vicariously through myself

I've been listening to and watching people lately, and it's made me revisit a lot of things. It's a funny when you think about it. Every day, I wonder -- sometimes for a split second, sometimes for half an hour -- what it means to be where I am and who I am.

I appreciate the talent in people. Someone I barely know told me today not to think of myself as lucky to work where I do, but to think of myself as good. I said the people who are good are the people around me who are recognized by their peers with awards from the Associated Press. Until I have served as long as my colleagues and with such distinction, I'm merely lucky.

There's also been a lot written lately about how more and more people my age say they're having a "quarter-life crisis". I appreciate conflict, and I appreciate those who know how to overcome it and do so with grace and (occasionally) a little bit of flair. I appreciate challenges and what it means to overcome them. And I appreciate what those challenges add to all our lives as a whole.

Recently, I've taken stock of where I am and what I've learned in a relatively short time on Earth. I think there are a few things that, for me, justify why I'm still here and what there is to pursue. It may sound bad, but I think we all live to cry, to be hurt and to soak the ground beneath us -- if ever so slightly -- with our blood. No story can survive without conflict, and what are lives but individual stories, with as many chapters as we all dare to author.

But it's where you go once life has opened you up and made red the soil around your feet. Some of the most inspiring people I know have gotten back up off the canvas when knocked down. Often, we have to go down a few times before we really know the ropes. But eventually those who are successful are the ones who learn where the next punch is coming from and learn to counter it before it happens. But rest assured -- it's not about punching life back, it's about learning the best way to stare it down when it decides it hasn't given you all you can handle yet.

And at the same time, there are so many things to invigorate a person every day. For me, it's making someone laugh. It's now bowing to the people who begrudge you your age. It's kissing the mouth of a beautiful woman.

A friend of mine last week told me not to worry about administrators and how they may feel about me. "Talent scares people," he advised. It's a three-word sentence from someone for whom I have intense respect, and it sums up the reason why a lot of great people never make it as far as they should.

I've tried always to embrace talents that I'm lucky enough to have and at the same time be modest both about them and about those talents which are not mine to wield. If people know you as someone successful, sounding modest (and truly meaning it) becomes equivalent to the boy who cried wolf. People may hear you, but they stop listening.

And so it's a struggle between saving face and looking holier than thou. It's a hard line to tread and has made me overly defensive in the past. I likened myself to a wild animal once. I'm not by nature an overly aggressive person, but if you scare me or insult me or challenge me, I'm a completely different person.

This has turned into a rather rambling diatribe which Shakespeare might describe as "full of sound and fury and signifying nothing". It's a long way of saying something short -- mid-life crises, quarter-life crises and daily crises are what are worth living for, in many respects. I'll never be a better man if I don't mistakenly wrong a woman who leaves me. I won't succeed as a father if I don't make my child mad at me. And I won't get any better at my work if I don't start small and just try not to make big mistakes.

The size of those mistakes and the emphasis we put on them is what defines our characters. How I respond is directly related to my character at the time. Someone once said that your character is what you do when you think no one else is looking. Learn this: Someone is always looking, even if it's just you.

Ok, already -- stop ragging me about not posting. GEEEEEZZZZZZZZZ!

So I'm going full bore into this internet dating thing. If I find someone interesting, I send them an e-mail. It doesn't matter how good-looking they are, I'm just going for it. Even if I get NO response whatsoever, I haven't lost anything. It's kinda hard to make someone interested in a short e-mail (it almost has to be short so people don't think you're stalking them). So I've sent out messages to about 6 women and we'll see what happens.

In other news, I won a case of beer on the Super Bowl, even if none of my numbers did come up in the Super Bowl pool at work. The $20 evened itself out nicely, though. And there's Rolling Rock in my fridge, which is always nice. It's funny why I like Rolling Rock. I had it for the first time after DPU's graduation in 2002. I was working for Ken Owen and put in about a 12-hour day, which included going to Indianapolis, getting a TV station to make dubs of a tape for the evening newscasts and going back to DPU. So Ken bought dinner for the both of us and we each had a Rolling Rock at the Duck. I knew I had worked hard, and Ken noticed. And that's a big reason I have my job today.

I also have a new 32" TV in my living room (which means I now have a 19" one in my bedroom, too). Thanks to some birthday and X-Mas cash, the big TV cost me less than $100 and I got free delivery because they didn't have any in stock at the Carmel Best Buy.

It's a funny thing having a regular income (well, a couple regular incomes if you count the sports show and a new venture that's going to start soon). I'm paying off loans, I buy groceries every week and I may get a cat soon. It's not a lot of money, but I'm comfortable. I don't need to make extravagant purchases, so I have enough. Of course, if I get a girlfriend soon, maybe it'll seem like a lot less money...